Jude Mustard

The Dress (Iron Man movieverse fic)

2008-05-12T12:08:08Z

Iron Man fanfic! Yay! I'm so psyched from this movie right now. And I also now have an embarassingly huge crush on Robert Downey Jr. Anyways, this is what the muse made me do.

Title: The Dress
Pairing: Tony/Pepper
Word count: ~500
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: They belong to Marvel, not me!

*****

Pepper stood before the full-length mirror in her bedroom for one final check before she left her apartment.

The dress was sleek and elegant, cut low in the front and even lower in the back, in a rich periwinkle blue that set off her eyes and hair perfectly. It accentuated her height, flowed gracefully over her curves, and spoke of good taste and self-confidence.

She had waited a long time for a special occasion to justify buying it, and her birthday had seemed the perfect excuse.

She hadn’t been wearing it when she received the phone call, of course. She had been in jeans and a tank top, out clubbing with her friends. The dress, ostensibly a present for the occasion, she had been saving for the charity ball which had originally been planned for the following week.

The events had all been cancelled afterwards, of course. It had been her job to make the calls. They had only been postponed, at first, but as weeks passed without news, it had become increasingly apparent that the postponements were indefinite. It had been too long, as Rhodey had told her with weary guilt in his eyes during one particular video call. Yet he had stayed in Afghanistan and continued searching, and Pepper had stayed at home and continued hoping.

She had briefly entertained the thought of returning the dress, tainted as it was now with the memory of that day, no longer her birthday but the Day That Tony Stark Went Missing. Rhodey’s call had changed the significance of the date forever in her calendar. I’m sorry… He insisted… A lot of explosives… Soldiers all killed… We didn’t find his body… Haven’t received any ransom demands… Probably dead… In her nightmares, those first few days, she had seen the blue silk becoming stained with Tony’s blood as he reached out to her, dying.

But when she woke up she was sensible again, and she could not bring herself to part with it. It was as much a gift from him as if he had chosen it himself. It had been he who’d made her think of buying it, with his teasing comments about her wardrobe. Miss Potts, I see you’re wearing black suit number fourteen today. Are you going to wear black gown number three to the gala tonight? You really should try wearing some other colours, you know.

Ironically, it was during the time that Tony had been missing that all her other work clothes had surfaced. Her grey, brown and blue suits, previously dormant, had been on a regular rotation throughout those three months, because she refused to be seen wearing black.

The blue dress had hung in the closet, never worn.

She was wearing her birthday present tonight for the first time, because he was back, he was mostly okay, he was still Tony, and she knew he wasn’t going to be at this party. Because he was still Tony, and she didn’t want her boss to be flirting with her while she wore a dress with no back and the whole world watched.

*****
Concrit feeds me! :)

The Cost of Living

2007-10-01T04:02:23Z

My mum's trying to plan a family holiday at the end of the year to South Africa. Now this, is more complicated than it sounds, because (a) my family hasn't travelled together as a unit since I was in secondary school, like, 15 years ago, and (b) my dad still isn't speaking to me, which will make for interesting frictions.

But I asked God, "should I go?" and I think I'm pretty sure He said yes. So I'm going. Once more unto the breach, etc.

Now the interesting thing is what happened after I decided that -- for the first few days, I was fine, looking forward to it and all. But as my mum and I tried to sort out a detailed itinerary (we all vetoed the generic travel agent ones) I began to see all the problems: our flight isn't confirmed, hence our dates are still up in the air, my leave hasn't been approved, the accommodation we want may be fully boooked, etc. I began to worry that it wouldn't work out. These were reasonable fears.

Then came the unreasonable fears. And even as my brain is processing them, it knows that they're unreasonable, but it goes on and on. I'm not even going to list the fears because they're so unreasonable. And I thought, "Goodness, there are so many things that could potentially go wrong, that we'd better stay home!" And I told my mum so.

Of course, she laughed. I was being ridiculous.

It's interesting, that my mum was laughing at me while I was telling her all the things that might happen to us. A few years ago, I was the one with all the grand travel ideas, and my mum was the one going, "but it's not safe!" I was the one who laughed at her fears, and went anyway -- and those turned out to be some of the best experiences of my life.

Now it seems that the tables are turned. My mum has become the garang one, and I have somehow become Much Afraid -- limping through life, half-paralysed by fear. And I'm supposed to be the one with faith!

When did this happen? How did these shackles suddenly appear? How much of my life has been shaped by my fears of all the things that might go wrong if I venture out of my comfort zone? How many ideas have been conceived in my mind but been aborted before they could be born? How many talents have I buried in the ground?

I realise, you can't go through life without spending anything. Life costs -- money, time, trust... You have to make investments if you want any returns. But I'm one of the highly "risk averse" people.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Or, put another way, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged."

Wait. That's incomplete.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

That's better.

When did I stop trusting? And why?

The only thing necessary...

2007-09-10T04:18:12Z

I'm working currently in the Emergency department of a major government hospital. Sadly, people's perception of what constitutes an emergency is seriously flawed. Half the time I'm dealing with ankle sprains and the flu. Occasionally, though, we get one of those ER-type medical drama situations.

Had one of those day before yesterday...

This young guy came into my room and said that he had a cough. He claimed that most cough syrups made him throw up, but there was one which didn't, and he wanted me to prescribe that particular one. He reminded me twice during the consultation to prescribe him that cough syrup.

I got suspicious. You see, this particular cough syrup contains codeine, which is an opioid, and addictive. And there are a lot of people out there who get a high from drinking this cough syrup. So I told him to take a seat in the waiting area, and then went to do some detective work.

I must say, I love the fact that online medical records make this easy -- and in fact, even possible. Five years ago, I wouldn't have been able to find this out, but now, because all the public hospitals and clinics are linked, I was able to discover that this fellow had visited various clinics over the previous few months, and had been prescribed some sort of cough medicine each time.

So, I advised him to stop smoking (duh!) prescribed him a cough syrup that doesn't contain codeine, and told my nurse to send him on his way. I warned her that he'd ask for the other cough syrup, and told her to tell him he couldn't have it.

Problem was, this guy wouldn't leave. He came back into my room and kept demanding the Procodin. I told him, look, I'm giving you promethazine. He said promethazine made him throw up. Well, in that case, so should Procodin, which is promethazine + codeine, and I told him so. He insisted that he needed to have Procodin. I offered him promethazine together with an anti-emetic. He refused. I told him no, and sent him back out of my room.

Now, it was the end of my shift, and I wanted to leave, but thanks to this, I couldn't. My nurse came to tell me that this fellow's relative was now making trouble in the waiting area. I went out and found this boy, together with another fellow who claimed to be his cousin, arguing with my nurses and clerks at the registration counter.

I went up and spoke to them. I didn't bring them back into my consultation room, because one of the things we've been taught is that if you're dealing with an aggressive patient, stay in a public place where there'd be a lot of potential witnesses if they were to get nasty or violent. So we were standing in the middle of the waiting area, and these guys were arguing with me.

My patient's cousin decided that he was going to be the spokesperson, and began demanding Procodin on his behalf. I gave him all the same explanations, but he also wasn't being logical about it. He starting raising his voice and shaking his finger in my face. I figured he wouldn't actually touch me, because there were a hundred people watching, including the three policemen at the police post we have in the EMD. (Sigh. Yes, those guys could obviously see what was happening, and were happily sitting at their station and watching the show, and ignoring my attempts to summon them with eye contact.)

I told my nurse to go get my consultant. During any shift in the EMD, we have at least one senior doctor on duty. I was beyond fortunate that my senior on shift that day was this particular guy, let's call him Dr X, whom I knew would back me up 110%. He came, and calmly asked what the problem was. The young man's cousin said that I had promised to prescribe his cousin Procodin and now wouldn't give it to him.

Now comes my favourite part. As I was opening my mouth to deny having made any such promise, Dr X completely ignored me, looked the fellow in the eye and said, "I don't care what she promised you earlier. I am saying now that she cannot prescribe you the Procodin. Okay?"

Woo hoo! My hero! I do de dance of joy!

Dr X continued to speak to the guys, and when they refused to listen to him also, and the cousin starting making threats, he sent the nurse to the police post to get the police (who were still sitting there and watching). We sent both of these guys off with the police, and didn't hear from them again.

Later on, we found out that the fellow's aggressive cousin had also registered as a patient that day, and had been given a prescription for Procodin -- further cementing our case.

Now, this incident makes me think of a few things:

I know my work quota is going to go down due to incidents like this. They actually measure our speed and calculate a "patients seen per hour" statistic. Thing is, giving this guy Procodin would have taken me two minutes. Refusing to give it took me an hour and a half. Sigh. But if I had to do it over again, I would.

I wonder what would happen if I ran into either of these fellows somewhere in a public place. It's a scary thought. I knew that they wouldn't hit me or try anything there in the waiting area in front of so many people and the police, but tomorrow on the bus, or next week in the mall... what if?

I found myself thinking, if something were to really happen, if I knew that those guys were going to come after me and I was going to get hurt or worse -- would I still have stuck to my guns and refused to prescribe the drug? And after thinking long and hard, I decided, yes, I would, because it was the right thing to do. Doing the right thing isn't always easy. I'm glad to say I'm willing to take that risk -- and knowing that Dr X has my back makes me that much stronger.

Another senior doctor, in another department, might have said, "Ah, just give him the Procodin." Or they might have agreed with me that I shouldn't prescribe it, but might have told me to call the police and left me to handle the situation on my own and not stuck their own necks out that far.

In no other department I've worked in have I found senior doctors as willing to stand by their juniors as in this EMD. It was the reason, I think, that I once thought of specialising in emergency medicine, before I decided that I wasn't really cut out for it. Having your senior doctor back you up 400% makes you that much more confident. In spite of the high stress levels, busy shifts and the difficulty in getting approval for leave, I still like this department. A lot.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. -- Edmund Burke

Stay on target... stay on target!

2007-08-30T10:12:35Z

So I didn't pass the exam. Have applied to take it again, in October, in London. With no study leave whatsoever, so it's going to be full time studying and working till then. Feels like the craziest thing I've ever done. I don't remember ever being this stressed out about anything since the A-levels.

Anyways, crossed the event horizon, and all that. I'm committed now. Or I should be committed... in more ways than one. Whatever.

Interesting, though, how moral and other kinds of support comes out from the woodwork, just when I thought I was running this race alone. People whom I never expected to be there are suddenly... there. Kind of like Kosh. "We have always been here..."

As usual, fandom is tempting and distracting, ever more so as the exam approaches. I found myself online last night thinking, "I just need to get on a chat with someone, anyone!" Instead of finding new fandoms to get involved in, I'm now rehashing the old ones where I've been dormant. Dark Angel. Farscape...

One of the reasons I love Farscape is the way that Crichton keeps talking to aliens in pop culture references and "fanspeak" (like my subject heading up there) without ever explaining it. In the second episode, they land on this marsh-like planet, and he goes, "It's like Dagoba. Yoda lives there. He trains warriors." Love it :)

Anyways, exam. Six weeks...

Unusual birthday happiness, and spring cleaning

2007-07-12T03:05:14Z

Having an exam on my birthday was miserable, to say the least. But not quite as miserable as I would have found it a few years ago. This year, the anxiety of the exam itself eclipsed the fear that everyone would forget my birthday. Actually, interestingly, that fear wasn't really there, not even under the surface. For once, I was actually secure in the knowledge that there are people who love me. I felt full where I had felt bereft, in places where I had been empty.

Post-exam celebration included birthday lunch with mum and housemates, then birthday dinner at surrogate parents' place, and surprise home-made-by-surrogate-sister brownie (with an uninformative single candle, thank God!) followed by much chicklit and fanfic reading. Yay!

I've just finished an epic length HP fanfic (yeah, go figure) by Minisinoo. I haven't even read the actual books or seen all the movies, but I read the fanfic.

But then, I'm a total pathos/darkness/angst junkie, so I'll take it any way I can get it ;) Bujold-style, "What's the worst possible thing I can do to this guy?" stuff. Yummy.

Speaking of Bujold, Legacy isn't out in any of the local bookstores yet! :( spykeraven actually went and hunted for it (for my birthday, dear heart!) in both Borders and Kino, and although it was released last week, it's still in the process of being shipped here. So she got me a Borders voucher instead, so I can get the book when it comes out.

It's taken me a week, but I've managed to stop losing sleep over nightmares of failing this exam. Heard from a reliable source that 8 out of 15 people who took the exam on my day passed, so I have approximately a 50/50 chance. Well, I'll know at the end of the month. Meanwhile -- spring cleaning frenzy! I'm feeling rather proud of myself after completely clearing out and rearranging my storeroom. The same stuff went back in that came out, and yet is taking up half the space and is actually accessible! I took before-and-after photos. Whee!

Next, my room...

Thoughts on the Harry Potter movie

2007-06-30T12:06:43Z

Watched "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" because it was on TV the other day, having finally given in to the need to be aware, at least, of the trends in popular culture. (I was finding myself too comparable to a friend of mine who watched Revenge of the Sith and went "Ooooh! So he is the one who becomes the black-black guy, izzit?!" (This statement needs to be taken in Singlish context. "Yes, dear, and the 'black-black guy' is called Darth Vader." Sigh.)

I had tried watching this movie before, but got bored at the bit when they were all staring into the mirror, and then got incredibly frightened at the part when they were in the forest and Voldemort turned up. I had turned off the TV at that point, then. This time, I watched till the end of the movie.

I must say, I found some parts rather enjoyable -- the quidditch game (which made me burn my dinner), and the series of booby traps at the end, especially the chess game. I was pleasantly surprised by the Snape twist. The cinematography and setting were absolutely beautiful.

Some parts were boring, such as the abovementioned mirror scene, and the sorting hat business, which just dragged because you already know what the outcome will be.

What I didn't expect, however, was the final confrontation between Harry and Voldemort. I mean, this is in a movie that is meant to be watched by children??? I would have had serious freaking nightmares if I'd seen it as a child. Ack!

Also, an analysis from a Christian parent's POV, which makes several good points. I, too, was rather disturbed by how Harry & Co. keep breaking rules and getting away with it, or even rewarded for it. Not your typical boarding school discipline -- I'd rather have my (hypothetical) kids reading the Chalet School books, methinks, for boarding school entertainment. Actions have consequences, and while escapism may be fun, it's teaching kids the wrong values.

Assuming that the movie is fairly true to the book, I'm beginning to understand why the HP books caused such a worldwide uprising when they first came out. This is seriously disturbing.

Fanfic, as written by the Author

2007-06-30T09:43:44Z

(Cross-posting to myself what I wrote in a comment on another journal; some repetition of things mentioned in a previous post.)

Regarding the opinion that The Sharing Knife is a plot-deficient romance novel:

I agree that Bujold is generally either more epic (eg. Chalion) or explosive (anything in the vicinity of Miles) so TSK is a bit of a departure. I think, though, that some of the epic and explosive stuff may turn up in the second volume to surprise us -- keeping in mind that Beguilement was really only half a book.

That said, I'll be quite happy even if Legacy is just more of the same -- I got the feeling, while reading Beguilement, that I was reading Fawn/Dag shippy fanfic, in that expound-the-romance, PWP kind of way. I think the way Bujold described her experience of writing TSK explains it (fake cut to interview):

("Really, there's no excuse for this book; I just wrote what I liked.")

Theory on TSK Legacy

2007-06-29T15:17:03Z

Okay, I'm spelling out my theory on how things will pan out for Fawn and Dag in the second volume of "The Sharing Knife" (Legacy) before I actually read it.

Here are the facts established so far:

1. Sharing knives can (supposedly) only be primed by
Lakewalkers' deaths, not farmers'.
2. The first knife was used by Kauneo to "share", and
we know that Dag wasn't there when it happened.
3. The second knife was bonded to Dag, meaning it
should have only been primed by *his* mortality. Also,
it was made from Kauneo's bone.
4. Dag has been carrying both of these knives around
for twenty years.
5. Mari sensed that the knife felt "oddly pure".

You sure you want to read this? :) Here it comes...

My theory is that the second knife was primed with the
mortality of a baby, but not Fawn's. The first knife
was carrying *two* mortalities in it for twenty years.
I bet Dag never knew (perhaps too early to sense it
yet?) I also bet there are people at the camp who were
there when Kauneo died and do know, but have kept it
secret from Dag because he wouldn't have taken it
well. (To put it lightly.)

When Fawn accidentally stabbed the malice with the two
knives in succession, Kauneo's mortality killed the
malice, and the baby's went into the second knife --
since it was made from *her* bone and bonded to *him*,
perhaps it sorta recognised the baby that would have
had features of both of them.

Hence, the double meanings in the book titles:
- "Sharing knife" being one knife sharing two
mortalities,
- "Beguilement" being LMB fooling us, and,
- "Legacy" being literally Dag and Kauneo's legacy,
which is in the knife.

Again, this is pure speculation on my part. :) I may
be completely off base, but it makes sense to me.

The Sharing Knife part 2 is out!

2007-06-29T09:27:12Z

I've been waiting for so many months for this book. I thought it was only coming out in the latter part of July, but have discovered that it's already out. Only 2 problems: a) the library doesn't have a copy yet, so I'll need to fork out cash for the hardcover. This would not be such a major problem, only I've bought the paperback of Beguilement, and the idea of the asymmetry irks my OCDness (I want a matching pair); and b) I have an exam in less than 3 days! and hence must restrain myself from going out right now to get the book, as it would then completely take over my brain, leaving no more space to store (even temporarily) the ten dozen causes of mild/moderate/massive splenomegaly, or the (please don't ask me!) stages of papilloedema.

In other news, ophthalmoscope battery is well and truly dead. Sigh. Dilemma -- is it worth venturing to Mustafa's for something which takes up less than 5% of the marks for this exam (then again, every mark counts)? Or should I take a risk and hope that the exam centre will provide one which is of the same model I'm used to ("used to" being a relative term)?

After a rather depressing session at the Eye clinic this morning, I'm beginning to hope that they won't ask me to do an ophthalmoscopy at all! Please give me a thyroid eye disease, or a Horner's, or an INO!

Ah, well, time to head back to the books.

Claire's clothes

2007-06-28T05:01:22Z

Had this little plot bunny bouncing around in my head -- just a vignette, really, but maybe I'll write it someday. It has to do with how Claire explains the rips and blood-stains on her clothes to her mother, and how she explains her need for a fifth uniform replacement to her cheerleading coach, about midway through season 1. Seriously, hasn't anyone got suspicious by now? Or maybe Zach's as yet unrevealed superpower is stain removal and mending. -- Oh wait, he's straight. Right.

If this has already been written, do point it out to me.

Heroes love

2007-06-26T09:32:32Z

Have found new favourite TV show to gush (squee!) over. Heroes is amazing. It's the first show that has come along in 5 years that sent me in search of fanfic again. It's the first show to come along in a long time that makes me want to *write* fanfic. Will expound when more coherent and when exams are not impending.

A note to those bent on self-immolation, and other similar activities...

2007-02-22T00:25:29Z

...whatever it is you're thinking of doing -- don't do it. Just don't.

I know you want to make a statement. I know you want to be heard.

You have a voice -- well and good. You want to use it? Excellent.

But for heaven's sake -- think about this, now -- use it in such a way that you can use it again tomorrow.

What you don't want is the poor night nurse cursing you because she hasn't got enough cling-wrap with which to cover you from head to toe, and the anaesthetist cursing you because his ventilator settings can't go any higher than they already are, and the plastic surgeon cursing you because there isn't enough skin left to take grafts from, and the resident on call cursing you because he can't defibrillate you through the cling-wrap, and the taxpayer on the street cursing you because his operation got postponed since five doctors and ten nurses are busy attending to you, and your parents/spouse/children cursing you because they have to sell their house to pay your ICU bill after you die.

If you really, really can't control yourself, at least do something less selfish. Like maybe robbing a bank.

Go watch Fanaa. Like, now, okay?

2007-02-22T00:07:52Z

Just watched Fanaa, for about the third time (from beginning to end, that is. Some bits have been rewound and rewatched many times more than that.) I must squee.

This is my new favourite Hindi movie. It has to mean something, when I'm rewinding the songs and watching them again, instead of fast-forwarding them as is usually done. And when I'm crying at the poetry, when I don't even understand Hindi! And then torrenting the soundtrack, so that I can listen to the songs and cry again.

It's not a perfect movie, of course. There are factual errors and logical loopholes and glaring inconsistencies in the plot. But you won't even notice it. This movie is so good that you want to be fooled. Just pretend it's happening in an alternate universe which is slightly different from our own, okay? There's a literary term, "suspending disbelief," which would be well applied in this situation. Basically, just switch off the part of your brain that's going, "Hey, wait a minute..." and just enjoy the ride.

It's like getting onto a roller-coaster, knowing that you're going to be taken on an exhilarating ride, and just trusting (with your life!) the guy who made the ride. Believe me, this movie doesn't disappoint.

It's best if you watch it without reading any reviews and without any clues as to what's coming. So I won't say any more. All I will say is, there's a reason why Aamir Khan and Kajol win all those awards. Really. Just go watch it, okay?

My thoughts on The Sharing Knife : Beguilement

2007-02-08T22:12:42Z

I've just read Beguilement, by Lois McMaster Bujold. These are my thoughts. I've written my general comments first, and spoilerish details follow behind the cut.

First off, I *loved* this book. I read the sample chapters on the Eos website -- and then *had* to go to the library immediately and get the book so that I could read the rest of it -- this, on a day when I was supposed to be packing and rushing to catch a flight! I should have known that was going to happen, since Herself usually manages to hook me with the first paragraph. (No pun intended ;) You'd think I'd have learnt by now.

That said, this book was excellent company on the trip. I read it through, enjoyed it the whole way, and the moment I reached the end, I turned right back to the beginning and started again. I don't usually do this, since reading an LMB novel generally makes me want to sit down and catch my breath once I get to the end. It takes me a while before I feel I can tackle another round. I think the difference this time is that we're actually only halfway in the book, and the breath-taking parts are yet to come.

Another reason for the immediate re-read is that the incompleteness of the story leaves me wanting more, and if I can't get more-different-new, then I'll settle for more-same-again. Certainly, it's a very pleasant read. I liked the romance. Usually, when I read a book which focuses mainly on the plot and doesn't fully explore the relationship between the characters, I end up resorting to fanfic to fill in those holes. But this book was a guilty pleasure for me, because it was as if LMB herself wrote the fanfic and put it in the book.

Nonetheless, I beg to differ with the people who feel that this volume is all about the romance and no plot. The seeds of the plot have been strewn throughout, hidden in the romantic "interludes." This is LMB we're talking about. The guns are on the wall, guys :) I think that one would have to read Legacy in order to realise how much of the plot has already been set up in Beguilement.

I loved the descriptions and the way that little gems and nuggets are thrown in, seemingly casual observations with layers of meaning -- such as, for example, when Fawn notices that Dag's tan lines reveal that he "favours long sleeves, even in summer." We know why he wears long sleeves all the time -- and likely has been for twenty years. Makes me wanna hug him. But that's me :)

I loved the fact that he broke his right arm -- just before going to meet Fawn's family, on whom he wants to make a good impression! It's a wonderful, classic, "What's the worst possible thing I can do to this guy?" twist. I didn't expect it, but again was shaking my head with I-should-have-knowns when it happened. Perfect.

There's some mystery and intrigue in the re-making of the bowl, I think. It's been established that Dag's groundsense is stronger than most others'... I wouldn't be surprised if Dag found out that what he did to the bowl was pretty much "impossible" as far as the "makers" are concerned. And what's this about the ground of his left hand that isn't there? Curiouser and curiouser...

With regard to what primed the second knife -- well, I have a theory. And I'm not even going to say it here, in case I turn out to be right and it spoils someone's enjoyment of Legacy. But I'll say this much -- if it's right, it makes a certain tragedy even more tragic; and book titles have shades of meaning. Of course, I may be waaaay off base. I'll find out when I read Legacy. July is so far away! :(

(If you're one of those lucky peeps who've got their hands on an advance copy of Legacy, please *don't* tell me if my theory's on the way to being right or wrong, k? I want to read Legacy without spoilerification :)

Shattered

2006-11-18T10:28:24Z

I was yelled at by a senior today. Literally yelled at, by someone to whom I had looked up, and now barely recognised in that red-faced rage.

The thing is, while the yelling was cruel and harsh, the rage was almost justified. I had indeed done something for which I needed to be corrected. My sin was thoughtlessness, not malice, but the result was the same. If I had thought someone was maligning the character of a certain colleage, I might have yelled at them, too.

Nevertheless, the punishment was out of proportion to the crime.

Memories of a primary school field trip, where I was the unwitting cause of the entire class being delayed, and scolded as if it had been intentional. A public apology demanded -- and then rejected for being apparently insincere.

Questions arise:

More and more nowadays, I find myself wondering -- are these trials are hints that I am in the wrong profession, or challenges that are meant to be overcome? Am I truly a hopeless disaster in the workplace, or such a (potential) force to be reckoned with that such explosions come to oppose?

Do BT and DS, who on different occasions have suggested that I may be unsuited for the job I have chosen, speak words of wisdom, or play devil's advocate? Has my resolve to continue been strengthened after such counsel because I am doing what I'm meant to be doing, or because I'm contrary by nature?

What do I do after being rebuked for unprofessional behaviour by someone screaming at me in unprofessional anger? Repent, correct my own faults and move on. Yes. Forgive... someday.

But do broken hearts heal?

Fear

2006-11-07T11:12:04Z

Watched a pretty scary movie the other day. "The Prestige" is actually not advertised as a horrow movie, neither should it be. But there were parts of it which chilled me to the bone, nonetheless. I am not scared by things which are usually considered scary and the stuff of horror movies. I've seen both angels and demons before. The supernatural is not frightening once you understand it.

No, what scares me is the darkness of human nature. Stories about serial killers or premeditated murders -- those scare me out of my wits simply because they are NOT fantasies, because they are things that could and do actually happen. Movies such as Seven, or Minority Report, or shows such as CSI or Profiler -- those give me nightmares.

So, I watched this movie, and then found, to my great dismay, that I couldn't get certain, rather frightening, images from it out of my mind. (It's a good movie. Go watch it. I mean it, really! It's not scary, except to someone like me who over-processes and over-associates things.) I couldn't sleep that night, and was terrified even to go to the kitchen to get myself a drink, because it was dark and I was afraid I would see something outside the window. I was also almost too afraid to turn the light off in my room before I slept. I finally managed to huddle under the covers, and had a very un-restful night, interrupted by nightmares.

The next day, I went through work feeling as if I were post-call, and as evening approached, the fear started coming back again. I was actually sweating and having palpitations. But I couldn't afford another night of poor sleep, because I was on call the next day. I told myself that I would simply not think about the movie anymore. But yet the images kept coming back into my mind and overwhelming me. I couldn't control it, and the thoughts simply would not leave my mind, however much I willed them to.

And suddenly it came to me:

"Take every thought captive to Christ" -- 2 Cor 10:5

The answer was simply to pray. I should have done it the night before. While I night not be able to control my mind by my own strength, I knew that I could do it with God's help. And I have an interesting visualisation trick I do with regards to "taking thoughts captive" -- I imagine the image that is bothering me being put into a box and then flying into the sun. Every time an unwanted thought pops into my head, I tell it, "I've taken you captive!" and put it into a box and fling it into the sun.

It may sound weird, but it works for me ;) The thought eventually goes away. It went away suprisingly fast that evening after I'd prayed. I prayed for good sleep, and good sleep was exactly what I got. Thank You, Lord!

And then, the next morning, another verse popped into my mind:

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." -- 2 Tim 1:7

It fits so perfectly. I was cowering under such a spirit of fear, going so far as to be physically affected by it, and finding myself unravelling -- just the exact opposite of a "sound mind." Yet, once I had prayed and remembered this verse, that out-of-control fear was so easily subdued,and I was in control of it, not the other way around as it had been. I remember the images that I found so frightening now, and realise I can think about them without being afraid. I can also choose to say, "I don't want to think about it anymore," and find that it is easy to get my mind on something else.

What a difference it makes to pray about it! And another thing, too -- both those verses were ones that I had read/memorised in the past, and had come to me out of my own memory, and not turned up in any new reading. I point this out because it is a reminder to me of the importance of memorising Scripture -- it may not seem important or relevant now, but it could save your sanity in some critical instant when you're not able to go and look up the relevant verses in time.

I'm on a roll, now...

2006-05-01T05:44:40Z

...I think they're called eclairs. Chocolate on a roll, geddit??

You are Dark Chocolate

You live your life with intensity, always going full force.
You push yourself (and others) to the limit... you want more than you can handle.
An extreme person, you challenge and inspire the world!

What Kind of Chocolate Are You?

And here's another

2006-05-01T05:34:35Z

Seems like I'm always a little bit of everything. Hmm.

You Are 56% Girly

You're a little girly, a little boyish, and probably a whole lot indie.
You have your own unique style, and it pretty much defies gender lines.

How Girly Are You?

This one's pretty cool!

2006-05-01T05:30:54Z

You Belong in London

A little old fashioned, and a little modern.
A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock.
A unique woman like you needs a city that offers everything.
No wonder you and London will get along so well.

What City Do You Belong In?

More SW III rants, and a theory

2005-06-11T08:54:56Z

Die, Obi-wan, die!

Have seen movie for the nth time and can't get over what an ass Obi-wan was. "Use your feelings?!?!" Does he even have any? "You have completed your Jedi training, also known as the Kohlinar..." Argh! He is such an aggravating character throughout the movie. Throughout all three movies, in fact. Wait, all six!

At the end of RotS, when Anakin is literally being cremated alive -- what would it have taken for Obi-wan to help him? Or even to run him through good and proper with his lightsaber? But nooo, while the poor creature is in absolute agony, Obi-wan stands there and yells at him, and then picks up his lightsaber as if it's some sort of trophy and walks away! I'm not surprised Ani turned to the dark side. With a master like that, who wouldn't?

"I'm going to watch you burn, kid, cos I'm in love with your wife but am utterly frustrated cos I haven't been getting any, and am so jealous of you that I'd rather watch you suffer than kill you, but in about twenty years I'm going to regret leaving you alive, and therefore am going to recruit your son so that he can kill you for me!"

ARGH!

I choose to live in the AU in my head, where Anakin falls off the cliff by accident, and Obi-wan reaches to him and says, "Take my hand!" but Ani refuses to do so and screams, "I hate you!" while falling into the lava pit. (Why do I need to see it that way? Because I like the idea that the Living Force has an endless capacity to forgive -- that no one falls into the fire unless they choose to do so.)

Anything is better than this cold, cold Obi-wan. Show some emotion, man! Even when he sees the security holo of Anakin kneeling before Palpy, all he can manage is an insipid "I can't watch any more." I can't get over it. I really can't.

(Poor Ewan cannot be blamed for this, of course. He was doing his best speaking badly written dialogue to a green screen while trying to be Alec Guinness. It takes a toll, I'm sure. He's obliged to act exactly like Alec Guinness, of course, cos, you know, people don't change at all after twenty years of living in exile in the desert. Right.)

I had another thought -- would Anakin's life have been a whole lot different if Qui-Gon hadn't died? I got the feeling that Qui-Gon would have been the father figure that Ani always craved, and, maverick that he was, would have understood him a whole lot better than all the Vulcan Jedi. QG was always very concerned about Anakin -- consider that his last words to Obi-wan were, "train the boy," (Aha! Now I know why Obi's so jealous!) and that we hear him trying to call out to stop Anakin from slaughtering the Tuskens in AotC, and that he's the first Jedi to ever come back from death. What would drive him to do so if not his concern for Ani? Only, tragically, he managed to come back too late.

The soundtrack piece that plays during the duel between Qui-Gon and Darth Maul is called "Duel of the Fates", I believe, because that was the duel between the two fates of Anakin. If QG had lived, it would have gone one way, and if he died, the other.

Oh dear. Can you blame me for wishing that it had been Obi-wan who'd died there instead of Qui-Gon?

This explains a lot...

2005-06-09T07:06:14Z

...but then, I always knew this.

Which Revenge of the Sith Character are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

No method in this madness...

2005-06-06T06:09:54Z

Aha. Now I've got it. Palpatine is obviously the Snow Queen, and Anakin is Kay, and Luke is Gerda...

Little Orphean Annie

"The suns will go out tomorrow!
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow
-- there'll be fun
Just thinking about tomorrow
When we'll go and blow up Alder.. suns
-- till there're none!

When I'm stuck in a day that's gray and lonely
I just stick out my chin and grin and say

The suns will go out tomorrow
So we've gotta hang on till tomorrow
Come what may (hey, Obi-wan sang that!)

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow
We're building the Death Star today!"

(Orphean, see, cos he sings after he's been dismembered... ;D)
And thanks to Spyke for the idea.

Oh, please, somebody stop me.

From fratricide to patricide -- the Myth that is Star Wars (part 1?)

2005-05-29T23:44:33Z

Dictionary.com defines a "myth" as, "A traditional, typically ancient story dealing with supernatural beings, ancestors, or heroes that serves as a fundamental type in the worldview of a people, as by explaining aspects of the natural world or delineating the psychology, customs, or ideals of society." For a discussion on the distinction between myths, legends and folktales, visit this site: http://www.pibburns.com/myth.htm

In my understanding, a myth is a story with deep meaning, and need not necessarily be fiction. A true story can also be a myth. (I'm just clarifying here, because the meaning of the word has become warped to mean a story or belief which is pure fiction; below I talk about biblical characters being myths, and I don't want to get lynched. ;)

Star Wars is a modern myth. While it seems on the surface to be a a sci-fi space adventure story, with good guys and bad guys, and gunfights and dogfights, it is actually the story of one man. The saga currently comprising six parts, tells the story of Anakin Skywalker from his childhood to his death. And despite all the sugar-coating and the apparent happy endings, it is a tragedy.

Why is it that tragedies are so much more powerful than comedies, or happy endings? I can watch a comedy, really enjoy it, and completely forget it by the time I walk out of the theatre. But a tragedy, now that really sticks in my head.

But why? Why does it stick in my head so? I believe it's because when I watch a tragedy, I enter a state of denial. I think, "No, it can't be," and, "Why does it have to be that way?" But perhaps the most important question that arises in my mind is, "How could it have been different?" My mind begins manufacturing one means after another to *undo* the tragedy. And that's what keeps the story in my head, with me going, "If *this* hadn't happened," and, "If *that* had gone differently…"

Like a myth, a tragedy usually has some purpose other than mere entertainment. In this bread-and-circuses, or should I say popcorn-and-movie culture, the Star Wars saga has a message, a not-so-hidden lesson. And because it is so truly tragic, it remains that much longer in the memory of the audience.

So is Star Wars a Greek tragedy, or a Shakespearean one, or what? I believe that it doesn't fit into any one particular genre, but is a genre unto itself. Still, it incorporates many of the familiar characteristics of tragic myths that we all know.

Anakin Skywalker fulfils all the criteria for a Greek tragic hero. To illustrate a few: he's of noble estate (the best Jedi), has a fatal flaw (his temper), hubris("I will rule the galaxy"); he falls from grace (and gets horribly maimed), suffers greatly, but then is redeemed at the end, by his tragic, self-sacrificing death. Consider that Anakin's fall to the Dark Side starts with a love for his mother, and that it is completed by his prophetic dreams which are fulfilled through his attempts to prevent them from coming true. He also kills both his father figures -- first Obi-wan, then Palpatine. (Perhaps George Lucas is actually familiar with Oedipus? There was all that business of how Obi-Wan starts out as his "father" in Ep II and then becomes his "brother" in Ep III…)

I can think of several other myths that the characters resemble. On one hand, Anakin is Lucifer -- the blue-eyed golden boy; the best and brightest of them all, whose great pride and greed for forbidden power comes before a tremendous fall. His conversation with Padme in Ep II illustrates this pride and greed: "You're not all powerful, Anakin." "Well, I should be! Someday I *will* be… I will even learn to keep people from dying." Unfortunately for Anakin, he loses so much of his power when he falls that he doesn't even get to reign in hell.

On the other hand, he's Jesus -- the saviour whose birth is prophesied (and a virgin birth, at that), who ends up fulfilling the prophecies about him in a way that no one expected. And the Jedi are the Pharisees, who became just too dogmatic for their own good, and were unable to see that the death of Jesus (the fall of Anakin?) was all part of the Great Plan.

Or, take Anakin and Obi-wan as the brothers who turn enemies, the modern version of the fratricide myth. They're Cain and Abel, Osiris and Seth, Romulus and Remus.

Anakin is also Faust, who sells his soul to the devil in order to obtain power, and then discovers that he is trapped in the bargain. Or perhaps he's more like Orpheus, who descends into the netherworld to save his wife, but fails in his quest (and even gets dismembered in the process. ;)

Anakin is also the Byronic hero Heathcliff, whose words to Catherine -- "Be with me always - take any form - drive me mad! only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you!" -- could easily have been said by Anakin to Padme. (More easily said than Lucas' dialogue!) I can certainly imagine him outside banging his head on a tree while his wife's dying in childbirth.

I'll stop here, though this essay is not quite done yet. Do you recognise any of your favourite myths in Star Wars?

George the Despot

2005-05-29T10:32:11Z

George Lucas started with having David Prowse dubbed over in Ep IV, way back in 1977. Through the years he's shown that his Mary Sue character in the Star Wars saga is actually -- Palpatine. Emperor Lucas strikes again with the Original Trilogy DVD box set, wherein, to my horror, I discovered that he's managed to digitally put Hayden Christensen in ROTJ! How twisted must that mind be, to think that Star Wars belongs entirely to him, and utterly disregard the fact that any piece of performance art is a group effort? He claims that he owns the Star Wars universe, and can do anything he likes with it. Sound like someone we know?

Check out, also, this comic strip.

Foiled?

2005-05-28T05:49:26Z

You know what? I think Spyke is right. Read her post here: Spoilers for Revenge of the Sith

Why else would Goerge Lucas spend so much time and energy on Jango and Boba Fett?