My mum's trying to plan a family holiday at the end of the year to South Africa. Now this, is more complicated than it sounds, because (a) my family hasn't travelled together as a unit since I was in secondary school, like, 15 years ago, and (b) my dad still isn't speaking to me, which will make for interesting frictions.

But I asked God, "should I go?" and I think I'm pretty sure He said yes. So I'm going. Once more unto the breach, etc.

Now the interesting thing is what happened after I decided that -- for the first few days, I was fine, looking forward to it and all. But as my mum and I tried to sort out a detailed itinerary (we all vetoed the generic travel agent ones) I began to see all the problems: our flight isn't confirmed, hence our dates are still up in the air, my leave hasn't been approved, the accommodation we want may be fully boooked, etc. I began to worry that it wouldn't work out. These were reasonable fears.

Then came the unreasonable fears. And even as my brain is processing them, it knows that they're unreasonable, but it goes on and on. I'm not even going to list the fears because they're so unreasonable. And I thought, "Goodness, there are so many things that could potentially go wrong, that we'd better stay home!" And I told my mum so.

Of course, she laughed. I was being ridiculous.

It's interesting, that my mum was laughing at me while I was telling her all the things that might happen to us. A few years ago, I was the one with all the grand travel ideas, and my mum was the one going, "but it's not safe!" I was the one who laughed at her fears, and went anyway -- and those turned out to be some of the best experiences of my life.

Now it seems that the tables are turned. My mum has become the garang one, and I have somehow become Much Afraid -- limping through life, half-paralysed by fear. And I'm supposed to be the one with faith!

When did this happen? How did these shackles suddenly appear? How much of my life has been shaped by my fears of all the things that might go wrong if I venture out of my comfort zone? How many ideas have been conceived in my mind but been aborted before they could be born? How many talents have I buried in the ground?

I realise, you can't go through life without spending anything. Life costs -- money, time, trust... You have to make investments if you want any returns. But I'm one of the highly "risk averse" people.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Or, put another way, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged."

Wait. That's incomplete.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

That's better.

When did I stop trusting? And why?