Iron Man fanfic! Yay! I'm so psyched from this movie right now. And I also now have an embarassingly huge crush on Robert Downey Jr. Anyways, this is what the muse made me do.

Title: The Dress
Pairing: Tony/Pepper
Word count: ~500
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: They belong to Marvel, not me!

( Pepper stood before the full-length mirror in her bedroom for one final check before she left her apartment. )

My mum's trying to plan a family holiday at the end of the year to South Africa. Now this, is more complicated than it sounds, because (a) my family hasn't travelled together as a unit since I was in secondary school, like, 15 years ago, and (b) my dad still isn't speaking to me, which will make for interesting frictions.

But I asked God, "should I go?" and I think I'm pretty sure He said yes. So I'm going. Once more unto the breach, etc.

Now the interesting thing is what happened after I decided that -- for the first few days, I was fine, looking forward to it and all. But as my mum and I tried to sort out a detailed itinerary (we all vetoed the generic travel agent ones) I began to see all the problems: our flight isn't confirmed, hence our dates are still up in the air, my leave hasn't been approved, the accommodation we want may be fully boooked, etc. I began to worry that it wouldn't work out. These were reasonable fears.

Then came the unreasonable fears. And even as my brain is processing them, it knows that they're unreasonable, but it goes on and on. I'm not even going to list the fears because they're so unreasonable. And I thought, "Goodness, there are so many things that could potentially go wrong, that we'd better stay home!" And I told my mum so.

Of course, she laughed. I was being ridiculous.

It's interesting, that my mum was laughing at me while I was telling her all the things that might happen to us. A few years ago, I was the one with all the grand travel ideas, and my mum was the one going, "but it's not safe!" I was the one who laughed at her fears, and went anyway -- and those turned out to be some of the best experiences of my life.

Now it seems that the tables are turned. My mum has become the garang one, and I have somehow become Much Afraid -- limping through life, half-paralysed by fear. And I'm supposed to be the one with faith!

When did this happen? How did these shackles suddenly appear? How much of my life has been shaped by my fears of all the things that might go wrong if I venture out of my comfort zone? How many ideas have been conceived in my mind but been aborted before they could be born? How many talents have I buried in the ground?

I realise, you can't go through life without spending anything. Life costs -- money, time, trust... You have to make investments if you want any returns. But I'm one of the highly "risk averse" people.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Or, put another way, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged."

Wait. That's incomplete.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

That's better.

When did I stop trusting? And why?

Interesting point our pastor made: how a major annual fundraising concert held here, in which local celebrities attempt increasingly death-defying stunts every year, is comparable to the gladiator games held in ancient Rome -- the bloodier and gorier, the better. Why do we get such a kick out of watching someone put their lives in danger?

Our people's hunger for excitement gets increasingly harder to sate, and the organisers try their best each year to play to their audience. It's as if our "thrill-meters" are getting numb, requiring higher levels of excitement to stimulate us, kind of like how a person can get accustomed to sleeping pills or painkillers, and need higher doses to get the same effect.

It's disturbing how many "prime-time" TV shows nowadays are about murder investigations, competing with one another to show ever more graphic and explicit crime scenes. And trailers for these shows come on the middle of a children's cartoon! (And these very children are saving their pocket money to buy better computer gaming equipment, so they can see their opponents bleed and explode into little bits when they shoot them. -- I feel kinda naive now, thinking how I used to be perfectly well-entertained trying to get a frog across a busy highway.)

But this is what people want to see, so this is what people get.

It made me think of something that has troubled me for a long time -- that we are a bread-and-circuses society. "Bread and circuses" were what Roman satirist Juvenal in the first century lamented as being all that Romans wanted:

...Already long ago, from when we sold our vote to no man, the People have abdicated our duties; for the People who once upon a time handed out military command, high civil office, legions - everything, now restrains itself and anxiously hopes for just two things: bread and circuses...(Juvenal, Satire 10.77-81)

How does one subjugate an entire nation? Keep the people well-fed and entertained. Actually, even as I write that, I realise that it's more than just the nation. It's the whole world. Give us reality TV, and action movies with as much violence in them as possible, and pizza delivery, and we'll just live quietly in our homes and never come out to complain about the state of the world we're living in.

Two links:
Wikipedia Bread and Circuses page
I don't agree with everything this guys says, but he makes some good points.

I'm working currently in the Emergency department of a major government hospital. Sadly, people's perception of what constitutes an emergency is seriously flawed. Half the time I'm dealing with ankle sprains and the flu. Occasionally, though, we get one of those ER-type medical drama situations.

Had one of those day before yesterday...( cut for length )

So I didn't pass the exam. Have applied to take it again, in October, in London. With no study leave whatsoever, so it's going to be full time studying and working till then. Feels like the craziest thing I've ever done. I don't remember ever being this stressed out about anything since the A-levels.

Anyways, crossed the event horizon, and all that. I'm committed now. Or I should be committed... in more ways than one. Whatever.

Interesting, though, how moral and other kinds of support comes out from the woodwork, just when I thought I was running this race alone. People whom I never expected to be there are suddenly... there. Kind of like Kosh. "We have always been here..."

As usual, fandom is tempting and distracting, ever more so as the exam approaches. I found myself online last night thinking, "I just need to get on a chat with someone, anyone!" Instead of finding new fandoms to get involved in, I'm now rehashing the old ones where I've been dormant. Dark Angel. Farscape...

One of the reasons I love Farscape is the way that Crichton keeps talking to aliens in pop culture references and "fanspeak" (like my subject heading up there) without ever explaining it. In the second episode, they land on this marsh-like planet, and he goes, "It's like Dagoba. Yoda lives there. He trains warriors." Love it :)

Anyways, exam. Six weeks...

Having an exam on my birthday was miserable, to say the least. But not quite as miserable as I would have found it a few years ago. This year, the anxiety of the exam itself eclipsed the fear that everyone would forget my birthday. Actually, interestingly, that fear wasn't really there, not even under the surface. For once, I was actually secure in the knowledge that there are people who love me. I felt full where I had felt bereft, in places where I had been empty.

Post-exam celebration included birthday lunch with mum and housemates, then birthday dinner at surrogate parents' place, and surprise home-made-by-surrogate-sister brownie (with an uninformative single candle, thank God!) followed by much chicklit and fanfic reading. Yay!

I've just finished an epic length HP fanfic (yeah, go figure) by Minisinoo. I haven't even read the actual books or seen all the movies, but I read the fanfic.

But then, I'm a total pathos/darkness/angst junkie, so I'll take it any way I can get it ;) Bujold-style, "What's the worst possible thing I can do to this guy?" stuff. Yummy.

Speaking of Bujold, Legacy isn't out in any of the local bookstores yet! :( spykeraven actually went and hunted for it (for my birthday, dear heart!) in both Borders and Kino, and although it was released last week, it's still in the process of being shipped here. So she got me a Borders voucher instead, so I can get the book when it comes out.

It's taken me a week, but I've managed to stop losing sleep over nightmares of failing this exam. Heard from a reliable source that 8 out of 15 people who took the exam on my day passed, so I have approximately a 50/50 chance. Well, I'll know at the end of the month. Meanwhile -- spring cleaning frenzy! I'm feeling rather proud of myself after completely clearing out and rearranging my storeroom. The same stuff went back in that came out, and yet is taking up half the space and is actually accessible! I took before-and-after photos. Whee!

Next, my room...

Watched "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" because it was on TV the other day, having finally given in to the need to be aware, at least, of the trends in popular culture. (I was finding myself too comparable to a friend of mine who watched Revenge of the Sith and went "Ooooh! So he is the one who becomes the black-black guy, izzit?!" (This statement needs to be taken in Singlish context. "Yes, dear, and the 'black-black guy' is called Darth Vader." Sigh.)

I had tried watching this movie before, but got bored at the bit when they were all staring into the mirror, and then got incredibly frightened at the part when they were in the forest and Voldemort turned up. I had turned off the TV at that point, then. This time, I watched till the end of the movie.

I must say, I found some parts rather enjoyable -- the quidditch game (which made me burn my dinner), and the series of booby traps at the end, especially the chess game. I was pleasantly surprised by the Snape twist. The cinematography and setting were absolutely beautiful.

Some parts were boring, such as the abovementioned mirror scene, and the sorting hat business, which just dragged because you already know what the outcome will be.

What I didn't expect, however, was the final confrontation between Harry and Voldemort. I mean, this is in a movie that is meant to be watched by children??? I would have had serious freaking nightmares if I'd seen it as a child. Ack!

Also, an analysis from a Christian parent's POV, which makes several good points. I, too, was rather disturbed by how Harry & Co. keep breaking rules and getting away with it, or even rewarded for it. Not your typical boarding school discipline -- I'd rather have my (hypothetical) kids reading the Chalet School books, methinks, for boarding school entertainment. Actions have consequences, and while escapism may be fun, it's teaching kids the wrong values.

Assuming that the movie is fairly true to the book, I'm beginning to understand why the HP books caused such a worldwide uprising when they first came out. This is seriously disturbing.

(Cross-posting to myself what I wrote in a comment on another journal; some repetition of things mentioned in a previous post.)

Regarding the opinion that The Sharing Knife is a plot-deficient romance novel:

I agree that Bujold is generally either more epic (eg. Chalion) or explosive (anything in the vicinity of Miles) so TSK is a bit of a departure. I think, though, that some of the epic and explosive stuff may turn up in the second volume to surprise us -- keeping in mind that Beguilement was really only half a book.

That said, I'll be quite happy even if Legacy is just more of the same -- I got the feeling, while reading Beguilement, that I was reading Fawn/Dag shippy fanfic, in that expound-the-romance, PWP kind of way. I think the way Bujold described her experience of writing TSK explains it (fake cut to interview):

("Really, there's no excuse for this book; I just wrote what I liked.")

Okay, I'm spelling out my theory on how things will pan out for Fawn and Dag in the second volume of "The Sharing Knife" (Legacy) before I actually read it.

( Cut for spoilers. Do not read if you don't want to be spoiled for TSK:Legacy; although what follows is pure conjecture on my part. )

I've been waiting for so many months for this book. I thought it was only coming out in the latter part of July, but have discovered that it's already out. Only 2 problems: a) the library doesn't have a copy yet, so I'll need to fork out cash for the hardcover. This would not be such a major problem, only I've bought the paperback of Beguilement, and the idea of the asymmetry irks my OCDness (I want a matching pair); and b) I have an exam in less than 3 days! and hence must restrain myself from going out right now to get the book, as it would then completely take over my brain, leaving no more space to store (even temporarily) the ten dozen causes of mild/moderate/massive splenomegaly, or the (please don't ask me!) stages of papilloedema.

In other news, ophthalmoscope battery is well and truly dead. Sigh. Dilemma -- is it worth venturing to Mustafa's for something which takes up less than 5% of the marks for this exam (then again, every mark counts)? Or should I take a risk and hope that the exam centre will provide one which is of the same model I'm used to ("used to" being a relative term)?

After a rather depressing session at the Eye clinic this morning, I'm beginning to hope that they won't ask me to do an ophthalmoscopy at all! Please give me a thyroid eye disease, or a Horner's, or an INO!

Ah, well, time to head back to the books.

Had this little plot bunny bouncing around in my head -- just a vignette, really, but maybe I'll write it someday. It has to do with how Claire explains the rips and blood-stains on her clothes to her mother, and how she explains her need for a fifth uniform replacement to her cheerleading coach, about midway through season 1. Seriously, hasn't anyone got suspicious by now? Or maybe Zach's as yet unrevealed superpower is stain removal and mending. -- Oh wait, he's straight. Right.

If this has already been written, do point it out to me.

Have found new favourite TV show to gush (squee!) over. Heroes is amazing. It's the first show that has come along in 5 years that sent me in search of fanfic again. It's the first show to come along in a long time that makes me want to *write* fanfic. Will expound when more coherent and when exams are not impending.

...whatever it is you're thinking of doing -- don't do it. Just don't.

I know you want to make a statement. I know you want to be heard.

You have a voice -- well and good. You want to use it? Excellent.

But for heaven's sake -- think about this, now -- use it in such a way that you can use it again tomorrow.

What you don't want is the poor night nurse cursing you because she hasn't got enough cling-wrap with which to cover you from head to toe, and the anaesthetist cursing you because his ventilator settings can't go any higher than they already are, and the plastic surgeon cursing you because there isn't enough skin left to take grafts from, and the resident on call cursing you because he can't defibrillate you through the cling-wrap, and the taxpayer on the street cursing you because his operation got postponed since five doctors and ten nurses are busy attending to you, and your parents/spouse/children cursing you because they have to sell their house to pay your ICU bill after you die.

If you really, really can't control yourself, at least do something less selfish. Like maybe robbing a bank.

Just watched Fanaa, for about the third time (from beginning to end, that is. Some bits have been rewound and rewatched many times more than that.) I must squee.

This is my new favourite Hindi movie. It has to mean something, when I'm rewinding the songs and watching them again, instead of fast-forwarding them as is usually done. And when I'm crying at the poetry, when I don't even understand Hindi! And then torrenting the soundtrack, so that I can listen to the songs and cry again.

It's not a perfect movie, of course. There are factual errors and logical loopholes and glaring inconsistencies in the plot. But you won't even notice it. This movie is so good that you want to be fooled. Just pretend it's happening in an alternate universe which is slightly different from our own, okay? There's a literary term, "suspending disbelief," which would be well applied in this situation. Basically, just switch off the part of your brain that's going, "Hey, wait a minute..." and just enjoy the ride.

It's like getting onto a roller-coaster, knowing that you're going to be taken on an exhilarating ride, and just trusting (with your life!) the guy who made the ride. Believe me, this movie doesn't disappoint.

It's best if you watch it without reading any reviews and without any clues as to what's coming. So I won't say any more. All I will say is, there's a reason why Aamir Khan and Kajol win all those awards. Really. Just go watch it, okay?

I've just read Beguilement, by Lois McMaster Bujold. These are my thoughts. I've written my general comments first, and spoilerish details follow behind the cut.

First off, I *loved* this book. I read the sample chapters on the Eos website -- and then *had* to go to the library immediately and get the book so that I could read the rest of it -- this, on a day when I was supposed to be packing and rushing to catch a flight! I should have known that was going to happen, since Herself usually manages to hook me with the first paragraph. (No pun intended ;) You'd think I'd have learnt by now.

That said, this book was excellent company on the trip. I read it through, enjoyed it the whole way, and the moment I reached the end, I turned right back to the beginning and started again. I don't usually do this, since reading an LMB novel generally makes me want to sit down and catch my breath once I get to the end. It takes me a while before I feel I can tackle another round. I think the difference this time is that we're actually only halfway in the book, and the breath-taking parts are yet to come.

Another reason for the immediate re-read is that the incompleteness of the story leaves me wanting more, and if I can't get more-different-new, then I'll settle for more-same-again. Certainly, it's a very pleasant read. I liked the romance. Usually, when I read a book which focuses mainly on the plot and doesn't fully explore the relationship between the characters, I end up resorting to fanfic to fill in those holes. But this book was a guilty pleasure for me, because it was as if LMB herself wrote the fanfic and put it in the book.

Nonetheless, I beg to differ with the people who feel that this volume is all about the romance and no plot. The seeds of the plot have been strewn throughout, hidden in the romantic "interludes." This is LMB we're talking about. The guns are on the wall, guys :) I think that one would have to read Legacy in order to realise how much of the plot has already been set up in Beguilement.

( Spoilerish )

I was yelled at by a senior today. Literally yelled at, by someone to whom I had looked up, and now barely recognised in that red-faced rage.

The thing is, while the yelling was cruel and harsh, the rage was almost justified. I had indeed done something for which I needed to be corrected. My sin was thoughtlessness, not malice, but the result was the same. If I had thought someone was maligning the character of a certain colleage, I might have yelled at them, too.

Nevertheless, the punishment was out of proportion to the crime.

Memories of a primary school field trip, where I was the unwitting cause of the entire class being delayed, and scolded as if it had been intentional. A public apology demanded -- and then rejected for being apparently insincere.

Questions arise:

More and more nowadays, I find myself wondering -- are these trials are hints that I am in the wrong profession, or challenges that are meant to be overcome? Am I truly a hopeless disaster in the workplace, or such a (potential) force to be reckoned with that such explosions come to oppose?

Do BT and DS, who on different occasions have suggested that I may be unsuited for the job I have chosen, speak words of wisdom, or play devil's advocate? Has my resolve to continue been strengthened after such counsel because I am doing what I'm meant to be doing, or because I'm contrary by nature?

What do I do after being rebuked for unprofessional behaviour by someone screaming at me in unprofessional anger? Repent, correct my own faults and move on. Yes. Forgive... someday.

But do broken hearts heal?

Watched a pretty scary movie the other day. "The Prestige" is actually not advertised as a horrow movie, neither should it be. But there were parts of it which chilled me to the bone, nonetheless. I am not scared by things which are usually considered scary and the stuff of horror movies. I've seen both angels and demons before. The supernatural is not frightening once you understand it.

No, what scares me is the darkness of human nature. Stories about serial killers or premeditated murders -- those scare me out of my wits simply because they are NOT fantasies, because they are things that could and do actually happen. Movies such as Seven, or Minority Report, or shows such as CSI or Profiler -- those give me nightmares.

So, I watched this movie, and then found, to my great dismay, that I couldn't get certain, rather frightening, images from it out of my mind. (It's a good movie. Go watch it. I mean it, really! It's not scary, except to someone like me who over-processes and over-associates things.) I couldn't sleep that night, and was terrified even to go to the kitchen to get myself a drink, because it was dark and I was afraid I would see something outside the window. I was also almost too afraid to turn the light off in my room before I slept. I finally managed to huddle under the covers, and had a very un-restful night, interrupted by nightmares.

The next day, I went through work feeling as if I were post-call, and as evening approached, the fear started coming back again. I was actually sweating and having palpitations. But I couldn't afford another night of poor sleep, because I was on call the next day. I told myself that I would simply not think about the movie anymore. But yet the images kept coming back into my mind and overwhelming me. I couldn't control it, and the thoughts simply would not leave my mind, however much I willed them to.

And suddenly it came to me:

"Take every thought captive to Christ" -- 2 Cor 10:5

The answer was simply to pray. I should have done it the night before. While I night not be able to control my mind by my own strength, I knew that I could do it with God's help. And I have an interesting visualisation trick I do with regards to "taking thoughts captive" -- I imagine the image that is bothering me being put into a box and then flying into the sun. Every time an unwanted thought pops into my head, I tell it, "I've taken you captive!" and put it into a box and fling it into the sun.

It may sound weird, but it works for me ;) The thought eventually goes away. It went away suprisingly fast that evening after I'd prayed. I prayed for good sleep, and good sleep was exactly what I got. Thank You, Lord!

And then, the next morning, another verse popped into my mind:

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." -- 2 Tim 1:7

It fits so perfectly. I was cowering under such a spirit of fear, going so far as to be physically affected by it, and finding myself unravelling -- just the exact opposite of a "sound mind." Yet, once I had prayed and remembered this verse, that out-of-control fear was so easily subdued,and I was in control of it, not the other way around as it had been. I remember the images that I found so frightening now, and realise I can think about them without being afraid. I can also choose to say, "I don't want to think about it anymore," and find that it is easy to get my mind on something else.

What a difference it makes to pray about it! And another thing, too -- both those verses were ones that I had read/memorised in the past, and had come to me out of my own memory, and not turned up in any new reading. I point this out because it is a reminder to me of the importance of memorising Scripture -- it may not seem important or relevant now, but it could save your sanity in some critical instant when you're not able to go and look up the relevant verses in time.

...I think they're called eclairs. Chocolate on a roll, geddit??

You are Dark Chocolate

You live your life with intensity, always going full force. You push yourself (and others) to the limit... you want more than you can handle. An extreme person, you challenge and inspire the world!

Seems like I'm always a little bit of everything. Hmm.

You Are 56% Girly

You're a little girly, a little boyish, and probably a whole lot indie. You have your own unique style, and it pretty much defies gender lines.